Former Premier League referee David Coote apologised for the actions that led to his sacking last month by England referees' body PGMOL, saying that the pressure of the job and fear of abuse due to his sexuality triggered his behaviour.
Coote was fired after being suspended in November following a video circulating on social media showing the official allegedly abusing Liverpool and their ex-manager Jurgen Klopp.
The 42-year-old, who officiated more than 100 top-flight games, said a fear of coming out as gay led him to turn to drugs and added that he "was not sober" at the time of the video.
"I want to apologise to anybody who I've offended by my actions. You can tell by the video I wasn't sober," Coote told The Sun in an interview released on Monday. "I have received deeply unpleasant abuse during my career as a ref and to add my sexuality to that would have been really difficult.
"My sexuality isn't the only reason that led me to be in that position. But I'm not telling an authentic story if I don't say that I'm gay, and that I've had real struggles dealing with hiding that.
"I hid my emotions as a young ref and I hid my sexuality as well, a good quality as a referee but a terrible quality as a human being."
Coote was suspended by PGMOL on Nov. 11 and the controversy escalated a few days later when The Sun released a video allegedly showing him snorting white powder while officiating at Euro 2024, prompting a new UEFA investigation.
He also officiated at last year's Olympics and said he had been in an "incredibly dark place" since the video was published while struggling with pressure due to his workload.
"In 2023 I lost my mum very suddenly. At the same time my uncle was diagnosed with motor neurone disease. After COVID and the introduction of VAR, six officials were suddenly needed for each game," Coote said. "I don't recognise myself in the cocaine video. I can't resonate with how I felt then, but that was me. I was struggling with the schedule and there was no opportunity to stop. And so I found myself in that position, escaping.
"I received nothing for it. I'm really disappointed that anything like this has come out because it tarnishes the integrity of the game."
The former referee said he was over his drug habit after having therapy, but still felt shame over his actions.
"I'm guilty of doing what I did, but I'm trying to be the best person that I can be now. I've taken steps to try and be the best I can be both from a physical and a mental wellbeing," Coote said. "To other people who are in my situation, I'd say seek help and talk to somebody because if you bottle it up like I have done, it has to come out in some way."
Coote also cited his own example to show how relentless abuse from the stands and on social media could impact the mental health of officials.
"Every official that takes to the pitch up and down the country from a local playing field to the Premier League is a human being, not just a referee," he said. "They have feelings. They may not show them, but it will impact them when they're receiving abuse. I've struggled and I've tried to get through it in my own way and made poor decisions in doing so."
Information from Reuters and The Associated Press was used in this story.